Faithfully Scared
I am a 32 year old, single, young woman trying to listen to God's call to service through a year of Mission in Hollywood, CA beginning in September 2011.
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Dear God,
Dear God…it’s me, Jennifer. (I know you knew that already.)
I have a bone to pick with you. I followed your lead, I listened to your call and I came to Hollywood. Thank you for that. It has been nothing less than a transformational experience. I am, however, ready to stop having them. Especially without a Cliff’s Notes to go along with them to explain to me what I am supposed to do with all of this new-found knowledge. This year was supposed to move much more slowly to give me a chance to once again “see your sign” for my next step. Instead, the end is near and I am pretty sure I am losing my mind…
I feel like I can hear people screaming in my dreams at night. Crying out for help. I know that you want me to listen to them, but when I wake in the morning I have no clear idea who it is crying.
Is it your children that currently have no place to live, praying for someone to just give a shit about them? Am I that person?
Is it your children who are being systematically placed into the prison system and being left to rot? Am I that person?
Is it your children running through the desert, desperately trying to get to a better life in the United States? Am I that person?
Is it your children whose own ignorance is separating them from your love and the love of others who just need to hear the stories of your children that I have heard in order to care? Can I tell them?
Or is it my own soul, crying out for happiness, comfort, and purpose? Can I ever be that person?
I pray that you will let me know.
Amen
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The third option…
So, it is kind of that point of the year where you have to start thinking about what you might want to do AFTER this year. The options are plentiful in a way and severely constricted in another. Some people who do a YAV year go to seminary, some people go to graduate school, some people go back home to do whatever they were doing beforehand, some people stay in the city of their placement and continue to work for their agencies etc. For me, there seem to be two options at this point. Stay in Los Angeles or go back to North Carolina. Both of those are viable options for me, but it became apparent to me a few weeks ago that there had to be a “third option.” Something that was separate from both of those places.
What will it be? Dunno…but I really like this graphic…tattoo idea?
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Expectations are a bitch…
There are few things that make us realize our own weaknesses as when expectations are not met. Especially when we didn’t even know we had expectations to begin with.
I started this year without expectations. Well, at least that is what I told myself. Just go with the flow, allow God to speak to me through others. Learn to let go a little bit and not be so in control of life. What kind of line was I feeding myself? Those ARE expectations. A life without expectations actually seems to be a bit of a bummer to me. I expect people to care about me. I expect to care about other people. I expect to be respected at work. I expect to respect others at work. I expect others to be fully present when I need them to be. I expect to be fully present for others when they need me to be.
The problem is, these things are rarely true. Others rarely meet our expectations and we rarely meet theirs.
That means a life full of disappointment. I have had my share of disappointments over the last few years. In fact, if I have a disappointment meter it would be pretty filled at the moment and I find myself getting really angry with God about it. Why does it feel sometimes that EVERYTHING is so damn difficult? Why is it that I can’t just have everything that I want all the time?
Why is it that we can’t just sit in the what is rather than the what we want?
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2012…gonna be a good one…
So I figure I left things a little negative at the end of 2011. That wasn’t my intention, but I figure that there isn’t any sense in blogging if I am only going to talk about how wonderful everything is. That isn’t real life and that is truly what I deal with every single day. Real life. In all of its ugliness. There are, however, moments of real beauty also. I have moved into the second trimester of my position with PATH (People Assisting the Homeless, and finally have my first client that has moved out of out shelter and into her own place. I was really sad that I missed the actual event, but one of my co-workers (and a YAV/Dweller from last year) sent me a picture which was a great Christmas present. I won’t sugar coat things and say that the last 4 months have been easy, but if being a missionary was easy, everyone would do it. I was able to go back to North Carolina for 7 days which was phenomenal.
Most people think I am crazy, but I went back to work at my former job for a few days. Unfortunately, my replacement did not work out so there were many purposes to this visit. The first was of course, to help out the people that I had worked with for 4 years. It was very comforting to be back in an environment where I knew what was going on. I wasn’t able to get as much work done as I had hoped, but I think they appreciated my presence. The second was from a purely social standpoint. These people are my friends and I had missed being around them every day. It felt in many ways like I had never left. It would be very tempting to return to that life at any time. I can’t believe how supportive the individuals at Beco are of me. It is a very small company, so anytime one team member leaves it is a challenge on everyone left behind. From the moment that I told them about my desire to serve this year in mission service they have been supportive of me and my journey. The final reason is probably the most difficult to explain. I am beginning to think about what this year in Hollywood is going to mean in the grand scheme of my life. I know that I won’t be able to begin to comprehend it for a while, but I have to begin thinking about what I am going to do once my YAV/Dwell year is completed in August 2012. Unfortunately, there isn’t a lot of lag time for me. There are the realities of paying bills and health insurance that will have to be addressed rather quickly upon completion of the program. What that means, is I have to start thinking about them now.
What are my options you might ask?
Well, again, there are a few, but it might be too early to list them. I don’t know if I want to stay in Los Angeles. On nights like tonight (when I originally wrote this), when I am sitting outside on January 4 at 6pm and it is 69 degrees outside (the high today was 80) and it is 34 degrees outside in Clemmons, NC it seems to be a pretty easy decision. However, it of course, like any decision in life isn’t that simple. There is a lot of pull back to North Carolina. My family, friends, and career have been there for the last 10 years of my life. But what about this community of people that I have been advocating for over the last 4 months? These clients currently experiencing homelessness? Why did God put me in this place, meeting these people, and living this life? Does that mean I am supposed to stay here and continue to work with these people? Why couldn’t all of the answers be in a book somewhere? I don’t want this year in Hollywood to be “that thing I did that time.” I want it to be a lasting event in the cycle of my life. Does that mean I need to stay in Hollywood for that to be true? There are 500 chronically homeless individuals in Forsyth County, NC. That number is nowhere near as staggering as the 50,000 in LA County, but it is still 500 people that do not have shelter, a place to call home.
Could my experience in LA this year change their lives in ways that wouldn’t happen if I stayed here?
I have no idea what all of this means, but rest assured I am wrestling with it.
I want to thank everyone who has been so supportive of me over the last year leading up and into this program. Things are so much better this year than they were when I left before Christmas. I don’t know what happened exactly, but I’m so glad. My soul was nourished, my body was rested and my heart was overflowing with love.
Thank you.
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The reason for the season…challenges?
I’m not buying Christmas gifts this year. I’m not buying any gifts for any holiday this year and it has absolutely nothing to do with some deep obligation to remember the reason for the season. It has everything to do with having absolutely no money available to do it. And frankly, it sucks. What is the point in going to a shopping center when any purchase is going to set you back 50% of your monthly income? Is there ANYTHING that is worth that? There is nothing that anyone can say that is going to make it ok. ”You are doing the Lord’s work.” Blech. ”Jesus is the reason for the season” Vomit. ”Just being here is gift enough for me.” Give me a BREAK! It’s all baloney. There is no better feeling than giving someone you love a gift.
Part of the difficulty for me in being here is the struggle that I have had in “letting go” of all of the things that I had become accustomed to. I worked tirelessly after my divorce in 2008 to become self sufficient, working full time and going to graduate school at night. Finally, getting my own apartment in 2010, paying all of my own bills, trying to make better decisions and being “independent.” I can’t even remember how many times I said to myself, I just want to be independent. I don’t want to depend on anyone else. I don’t even want to put myself in a place where there is any doubt, especially financially. Trying to learn to let go of that feeling of independence and move towards interdependence is probably the most difficult transition for me this year. Sharing a food budget, a vehicle, and most importantly space has not been easy for someone soooo convinced that God wanted me to live independently.
There have been a lot of pictures on Facebook of some of the really cool things that my roommates and I have been doing here in Hollywood and all of that is real and unique. I have gotten to meet some celebrities, see some awesome movies, see some really beautiful things, and go to some pretty amazing locations, all of which I wouldn’t have been able to do in North Carolina. Definitely I wouldn’t have been able to do if I was married with a mortgage payment that I had in 2007. MOST definitely I would have been able to do if God hadn’t called me here around this time last year. I try to remind myself of that on a regular basis, but when I am exhausted and confused about how to work with my clients towards self sufficiency or I realize that the 15 clients that we are getting ready to put into permanent supportive housing are absolutely nothing compared to the 80,000 people that are living on the streets it just doesn’t seem like much.
Homelessness in Los Angeles is something that you can’t pretend not to see. It exists in North Carolina and I am positive that if I don’t end up staying in Hollywood next year that I will continue to work with those experiencing homelessness in Forsyth County, or wherever God leads me next. However, there are only 500 chronically homeless individuals in Forsyth County (still 500 too many) but that is a problem that so many of us, including myself, can choose to ignore when it isn’t convenient for us. It is not something you can ignore here, no matter how hard you might try. Even in Beverly Hills, on Rodeo Drive, there are people experiencing homelessness. If given the opportunity, it can permeate every being of your soul and take over your every thought. This is something we struggle with in our house. Almost every conversation we have is telling a story about work, a client, a perspective client, anything having to do with this culture that we are all so immersed in. It is awesome to have other people that understand the sensations you are dealing with, the challenges you are dealing with, and who are compassionate to your struggles, but sometimes I get really mad because I think “wasn’t this year supposed to be about something else too?”
I am flying home this coming Monday for a week and while I cannot wait to see my family, friends, former co-workers, church friends etc. It will be difficult for me to enjoy my season, even without gifts and presents while my clients will be spending their holiday in a shelter, most of them alone and wondering what is THEIR reason for the season?
